Parenting often involves a delicate balance between encouraging positive behavior and avoiding methods that can backfire in the long term. One common trap is relying too much on bribery — offering rewards like candy, toys, or extra screen time to get children to comply.
While it might work in the moment, bribery can weaken intrinsic motivation and lead children to expect rewards for every good behavior. Fortunately, there are healthier, more effective ways to guide your child.
Understanding the Difference Between Bribery and Positive Reinforcement
At first glance, rewarding good behavior might not seem harmful. But there’s a key difference between bribery and positive reinforcement.
Bribery is often offered in the heat of the moment — “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you a treat.” It teaches kids that they can negotiate or act out to get what they want.
Positive reinforcement, on the other hand, is proactive and consistent. It’s about recognizing and encouraging behaviors after they happen, creating a pattern of motivation that is based on learning, not manipulation.
Why Bribery Doesn’t Work Long-Term
Bribes can lead to:
- Entitlement: Children may start expecting rewards just for behaving well.
- Decreased motivation: Kids might stop doing the right thing unless there’s a payoff.
- Manipulation: Children may learn to misbehave to trigger a bribe.
- Short-term results: Bribes fix behavior temporarily, but don’t address the root cause.
Instead of building values and self-control, bribery teaches children to act based on reward rather than responsibility.
Build a Foundation of Expectations and Consistency
Children behave best when they know what’s expected. Be clear and consistent about rules and routines. Instead of saying, “Be good at grandma’s house or no ice cream,” try:
“Remember, at grandma’s house we use quiet voices and help clean up. I know you can do it.”
When kids understand the “why” behind rules, they’re more likely to cooperate out of respect and habit, not because of a reward.
Use Praise and Acknowledgment Effectively
Children love to feel noticed and appreciated. Use specific, sincere praise to reinforce behaviors you want to see again.
Instead of saying “Good job,” try:
“I really appreciate how you shared your toys with your sister. That was very kind.”
This helps kids associate good behavior with positive feelings and your approval — not external rewards.
Teach Natural Consequences
When appropriate, allow your child to experience natural outcomes of their actions. For example:
- If they forget their homework, let them face the consequences at school.
- If they refuse to wear a coat, they’ll feel cold and learn next time.
Natural consequences teach responsibility in a real-world way — without punishment or bribery.
Offer Choices and Involve Your Child
Empowering kids with choices helps reduce resistance. Instead of demanding obedience, guide them gently:
- “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?”
- “You can pick the book we read tonight.”
Letting children feel in control can reduce power struggles and increase cooperation.
Use a Reward System Wisely (If at All)
A structured reward chart can sometimes be helpful, especially for younger kids or when building a new habit (like potty training). But it should be used temporarily and with caution.
Tips for using rewards in a healthy way:
- Focus on effort and consistency, not perfection.
- Gradually reduce rewards over time.
- Avoid material rewards — use extra story time, special time with parents, or verbal praise instead.
The goal is to internalize good behavior, not become dependent on a chart.
Model the Behavior You Want to See
Children learn more from what you do than what you say. Show them kindness, patience, and responsibility in your own actions.
If you want your child to speak respectfully, manage frustration calmly, or take responsibility, be sure you’re demonstrating those behaviors yourself.
Modeling is one of the most powerful parenting tools.
Stay Calm During Tantrums or Defiance
When your child acts out, stay calm and firm. Avoid offering bribes just to stop the behavior.
Instead, acknowledge their feelings:
“I can see you’re really upset right now.”
Then guide them with clarity and empathy:
“We don’t hit when we’re angry. Let’s take deep breaths together.”
Your calm presence will do more to influence their behavior than a quick reward ever could.
Encouragement Builds Long-Term Motivation
Your ultimate goal is to raise a child who behaves well not because they want candy, but because they care about others, value rules, and understand consequences.
By replacing bribes with genuine encouragement, structure, and respect, you nurture motivation that lasts — and build a strong, trusting relationship with your child.